Cunts in the Kitchen

In what world can children act like this and get away with it?

The Endorsement: Scrivener

As an author, sometimes I feel like a bit of a fraud.

We have so many tools at our disposal that make it easier.

I don’t handwrite. Can’t imagine doing it. I think I would, if I had to.

But really? Without my MacBook, I’m lost.

Pen and paper? I love it. For making a grocery list. Not writing a novel.

Remember typewriters? And sliding the carriage over at the end of the page. And using Wite-Out on your mistakes. And God forbid you want to save the project. Not happening. Wanna travel and write? Pack that typewriter and some extra ribbons and lots of paper. Have fun with that.

These days, if you want to write, the only thing stopping you is you. Really.

If you’re reading this, you have access to a computer. And if you have access to a computer, just write the damn novel already.

I like to play around with programs that are designed to help writers. My favorite, by far, is Scrivener.

Nappily Ever After Part Two: The Kinky Curly Catastrophe

It ain’t right.

A child’s hair should be presentable and shiny and neat. Not a dull lifeless lint-filled mess.

I am resolved to style my child’s hair in a way that makes sense.

What are my issues?

1. Her hair is very kinky and coarse. She cries when I comb it.

2. I don’t know which products will help with #1.

3. Once detangled, I don’t know what to do with her hair. I am not a braider. And using ball-y things to make a bunch of ponytails is time-consuming, cumbersome and can’t possibly be comfortable.

I need a hairstyle for Tog that lasts an entire week. And doesn’t leave us both sobbing in the process.

I went to Whole Foods Sunday night in search of something called Kinky Curly, a line of hair care products I’ve heard are really good on kinky hair.

I decided to see if the Kinky Curly products could release Tog’s natural curl pattern and perhaps she could just wear her hair out and about. Why be bogged down with ponytail holders and barrettes? I’d let Tog go free! Like Jaden Smith!

Sunday night, I go to Whole Foods, where Kinky Curly products are sold. Shampoo: 11.99. (Gulp!) Detangler: 11.99 (Whoa.) And then, the Curling Custard for styling: 29.99 (What the hell!)

For $54.00 I expected those bottles to sprout arms and style Tog’s hair while giving me a mani-pedi at the same time.

I plopped Tog into the tub and got to work. First, I undid last week’s attempt at a hairstyle and got down to the essence of her nappy roots:

God help me

The Parent Trap: Nappily Ever After

When I was in the third grade, my teacher was Mrs. Ambrose. She actually wore her glasses on a silver chain and wore a constant frown.

Every morning, Mrs. Ambrose would call attendance. I’d chirp out “Present” and she would look over her glasses at me and slowly shake her head.

I’m like, what did I do?

I’m the teacher’s pet. I do my homework. I raise my hand first always. Why the disapproving look?

Finally, one morning, I got my answer.

Gray Matters

I turned 36 two weeks ago.

I’m totally fine with this.

No, really.

Could be in better shape. Need to give up the coffee. But in general, I’m okay with almost-40.

I’m not okay with the wiry, gray hairs that are cropping up at my temples.

You can't see the gray in this picture. But believe me, it's there.

Gray hair=old. Grandma old.

The Parent Trap: The Potty Training Blues

FADE IN

INT. Fancy Restaurant -MORNING

ALIYA, her husband TH, LADYFRIEND, and her husband MALEFRIEND and their children TG and JR sit at a round table at an upscale restaurant in Montclair, New Jersey. The children are eating pancakes and giggling. The mothers are trading childbirth war stories and the men are talking about technology.

ALIYA
The potty training thing is not going so well. She will go any time I take her to the     potty. But she won’t tell me when she has to go.

LADYFRIEND
It’s all about scheduling. We were able to get into a pattern where we knew when JR had to go. And we just took a week off in the summer and he went without diapers and we took him on schedule.

ALIYA
(looking down at her French Toast)
Tog is not on much of a schedule.

LADYFRIEND
Yeah, the scheduling is important.

ALIYA
So how old was JR when he was potty trained?

LADYFRIEND
About 18 months.

ALIYA
(eyes widened and mouth agape)
Really?

LADYFRIEND
But don’t stress. Every child has their own timetable. I just couldn’t be bothered with diapers anymore.

ALIYA
Right, right.

INT. CVS Pharmacy- NIGHT

A crowded convenience store. Long lines and only one cashier. ALIYA holds Tog’s hand and a basket in the other hand. She is obviously tired and disheveled. Her shoes are caked with mud from an earlier visit to a dog park and her hair is unkempt. She is trying to keep TOG from letting go of her hand. TOG pulls away and begins to pull candy off the shelves. ALIYA stifles a scream. FEMALE RELATIVE catches ALIYA’s attention. They embrace.

FEMALE RELATIVE
Hey girl, how are you? Tog is getting so big.

ALIYA
I know, growing up so fast.

FEMALE RELATIVE
Where’s TG? She went camping right?

ALIYA
Yeah, she’s back Friday.

FEMALE RELATIVE
I’m thinking I’m going to take Tog roller skating with us on Friday night. She’s two now, she’s old enough.

TOG
(putting away candy and rushing over to Female Relative)
Roller Skating? YEAH!

FEMALE RELATIVE
What are you doing in here so late anyway?

ALIYA
(looking nervous and trying to hide her basket)
Just needed to pick up a few odds and ends.

FEMALE RELATIVE
(leaning over to look in ALIYA’s basket)
Are those size SIX diapers?! I’m assuming you’re gonna start potty training soon.

The Name Of This Blog Is Now Officially Pointless

The title of my novel is No Tea For The Fever. I heard my dad and my mother-in-law use the expression to describe a brave, tough, no-nonsense person and I fell in love with the phrase.

Yeah, chile. She’s something else. She don’t take no tea for the fever!

I googled it and found the phrase used in one of Langston Hughes’ Jesse B. Simple stories. Fell in love with the phrase years before I even started writing the novel.

And this morning, I got an email from my wonderful editor Sulay Hernandez:

That will not be the title of my book.

The Trouble With The TWA

You’d think a short natural would be an easy ‘do, right?

Wrong.

Here’s what I look like when I wake up in the morning.

Egads!

I tie my hair down at night. When I wake up, it’s half high-top fade, half ‘Fro and all bad.

I jump in the shower. Don’t wash my hair each day. But the moisture from the hot water loosens my hair up a bit.

slowly but surely

Here, we have something close to an actual hairstyle. The steam has filled my hair out a bit. But now what?

Now, it’s time for product.

[Cue scary music here]