FADE IN
INT. Fancy Restaurant -MORNING
ALIYA, her husband TH, LADYFRIEND, and her husband MALEFRIEND and their children TG and JR sit at a round table at an upscale restaurant in Montclair, New Jersey. The children are eating pancakes and giggling. The mothers are trading childbirth war stories and the men are talking about technology.
ALIYA
The potty training thing is not going so well. She will go any time I take her to the potty. But she won’t tell me when she has to go.
LADYFRIEND
It’s all about scheduling. We were able to get into a pattern where we knew when JR had to go. And we just took a week off in the summer and he went without diapers and we took him on schedule.
ALIYA
(looking down at her French Toast)
Tog is not on much of a schedule.
LADYFRIEND
Yeah, the scheduling is important.
ALIYA
So how old was JR when he was potty trained?
LADYFRIEND
About 18 months.
ALIYA
(eyes widened and mouth agape)
Really?
LADYFRIEND
But don’t stress. Every child has their own timetable. I just couldn’t be bothered with diapers anymore.
ALIYA
Right, right.
INT. CVS Pharmacy- NIGHT
A crowded convenience store. Long lines and only one cashier. ALIYA holds Tog’s hand and a basket in the other hand. She is obviously tired and disheveled. Her shoes are caked with mud from an earlier visit to a dog park and her hair is unkempt. She is trying to keep TOG from letting go of her hand. TOG pulls away and begins to pull candy off the shelves. ALIYA stifles a scream. FEMALE RELATIVE catches ALIYA’s attention. They embrace.
FEMALE RELATIVE
Hey girl, how are you? Tog is getting so big.
ALIYA
I know, growing up so fast.
FEMALE RELATIVE
Where’s TG? She went camping right?
ALIYA
Yeah, she’s back Friday.
FEMALE RELATIVE
I’m thinking I’m going to take Tog roller skating with us on Friday night. She’s two now, she’s old enough.
TOG
(putting away candy and rushing over to Female Relative)
Roller Skating? YEAH!
FEMALE RELATIVE
What are you doing in here so late anyway?
ALIYA
(looking nervous and trying to hide her basket)
Just needed to pick up a few odds and ends.
FEMALE RELATIVE
(leaning over to look in ALIYA’s basket)
Are those size SIX diapers?! I’m assuming you’re gonna start potty training soon.
ALIYA
(mortally embarrassed and cheeks flushed red)
We’ve been working on it.
FEMALE RELATIVE
(looking at the diapers disapprovingly)
Huh. Didn’t even know they made size six.
ALIYA
I have to special order them.
FEMALE RELATIVE
Really?
ALIYA
No. I was joking.
FEMALE RELATIVE.
Oh.
ALIYA realizes that Tog has wandered off to the candy at the register. She dashes to grab her hand and Tog won’t budge.
ALIYA
C’mon Tog, let’s go.
TOG
No! Not yet!
ALIYA
Why not?
TOG
(closing her eyes and squatting)
I NEED TO STAY RIGHT HERE MOMMMY!
FEMALE RELATIVE
Yeah, she’s pooping right now. She’s ready to be trained.
ALIYA
Tog, let’s go.
TOG
I’m almost done Mommy. I have to poo poo.
ALIYA
Tog, we poo poo in the potty. If you just tell me when you have to go, I will take you.
TOG
No thank you Mommy. I poo poo right here in my diapy. It’s better.
ALIYA
(making a face)
No, it’s yucky.
TOG
It’s not yucky mommy, it’s nice!
FEMALE RELATIVE
Okay, girl. I’m leaving. See you later.
ALIYA
Right! Let’s talk about roller skating this weekend.
FEMALE RELATIVE
(looking stricken)
Oh, right! Roller skating. I’ll um, call you, about that…Not sure if we’re going this weekend. I’ll let you know.
INT. ALIYA’s home- NIGHT
Aliya is slumped on the couch, rubbing her temples. MOTHER is visiting, sitting across from her on a loveseat.
MOTHER
You know I had all my kids off the bottle by one, potty trained by two.
ALIYA
Yeah, I know.
INT. SHOPPING MALL – NIGHT
ALIYA is waiting in line for the bathroom with TOG, who has a dirty diaper. MOTHER is holding the packages and manning the stroller.
MOTHER
You know I had all my kids off the bottle by one, potty trained by two.
ALIYA
Yeah, I know.
INT. MOTHER’s HOME-DAY
ALIYA is picking up Tog after spending the night at MOTHER’s house.
ALIYA
How’d everything go?
MOTHER
She was an absolute angel. She even used the potty a few times.
ALIYA
(leaning down and hugging Tog)
That’s great!
MOTHER
You know I had all my kids off the bottle by one, potty trained by two.
ALIYA
Yeah, I know.
INT: TOG’s bedroom-NIGHT
ALIYA is holding TOG in her arms. She’s been fed, bathed and is about to be put down for the night. ALIYA has read her stories and a Barney lullaby CD is playing in the background.
ALIYA
Are you a big girl, Tog?
TOG
Yes! I want to wear my Dora big girl panties!
ALIYA
Well you have to go pee and poop on the potty. Then you can wear big girl panties. Because diapers are for babies.
Tog seems to consider this for a moment. She closes her eyes.
TOG
Diapers are for babies?
ALIYA
Yes, for babies. Like pacifiers and bottles.
TOG
I don’t want to wear big girl panties. I like diapers. I wanna be a baby. Okay mommy?
ALIYA
But I thought you wanted to be a big girl?
TOG
Later, Mommy. I’ll be big girl later.
Three Years Later
INT. Elementary School –MORNING
It’s the first day of school on a brisk sunny September morning. ALIYA is walking TOG to her first day of Kindergarten. TOG is skipping happily, a new bookbag on her bag and shiny leather Mary Janes on her feet. ALIYA stands in line to drop off TOG at her new classroom and briefly meet TEACHER
TEACHER
Hello, there Tog, welcome to Kindergarten!
TOG
(looking down at the floor)
Hi.
TEACHER
Find the seat with the number 10 and sit down, okay?
TOG
Okay!
ALIYA
Nice to meet you.
TEACHER
You as well! I’m looking forward to having TOG in my class this year. Is there anything special I should know?
ALIYA
[Handing over a small bag]
Um. You’ll need this too.
TEACHER
What is this?
ALIYA
Diapers. Wipes.
TEACHER
[mouth agape and sputtering]
Tog is not potty trained?! She’s five years old! How is that possible?
ALIYA
I suck as a wife and mother. That is all.
FADE OUT
THE END
Excellent!!! I love when I am unable to determine if I am reading fact or fiction. Soooooo which is this?
@Raymond: It’s all true. Except she’s not in Kindergarten. Yet.
I promise… if you exchanged the name ALIYA with LAUREN, I’d be wondering why you’re telling my business all on the net lol. Don’t sweat it, I’m a member of “That Mommy” club too. Sigh. It gets easier, TOGs don’t stay 4 forever (or so I’ve been told)…. *smile*
I got one better for you.
My daughter, who is soon to be 3, WAS potty trained.
WAS.
We started a little after her second birthday and two months later she was potty trained. Would come get us, do the happy dance when she went in the potty, everything. Went to daycare in big girl underwear for THREE WEEKS with no accidents.
THEN.
One day she quit. Decided no, she DID like pooping on herself and peeing on herself and basically going through her whole wardrobe every three days.
Not fun times at my house right now. My daughter fell off the potty training wagon! Oh, the hurt!
Both of my girls were trained by two. I started at 18 months by pulling them out of bed and putting them on the potty each morning, when I went they went, and when I thought about it I made them try.
I know you and TH are very busy but you have to be consistent. Promise yourself one week to stay on track and she will turn around and want to do it herself. Consistency pays off.
My oldest sucked her thumb until she was 6. Got tired of the comments and purchased a thumb guard. After two or three weeks of forcing her to wear it and not chew it, she finally gave in and gave it up.